Everyone who plays fantasy football thinks they know what they’re doing, but the honest truth is that more often than not, they have no idea. Every year plenty of people talk a big game, yet it’s the same handful of us who produce results. Before last season, our friend Marble Ryan claimed to know anything and everything about fantasy football, yet found himself in dead last in our RexQB league standings come December. I laugh at clowns like him, people more qualified to talk about the fat content of a Wendy’s Junior Bacon Cheeseburger than sleeper RBs.
Why listen to me? What makes me better than everyone else? People constantly come to me with questions because they know I’m the best resource for information out there. Those that once scoffed at the notion of my fantasy dominance have since slithered out of the dark alleys to pepper me with roster questions. To this day, people still talk about the time when I drafted out of the passenger seat of a car on I-95 while eating two Big Macs — blind, with no printed rankings. And yes, I walked away with the title that year.
So, without further ado, I present the following things you need to be aware of as you prepare for your fantasy draft. And above all else, remember the Golden Rule: the man with all the gold…rules.
Mr. T has decided to get me back from making him write both Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em columns last week by making me do the same for Week 16. Luckily, thanks to my team’s pathetic performance in the opening round of the playoffs last week, I now find myself with a lot more free time on my hands. Those of you lucky enough to not have been relying on Tom Brady and DeAngelo Williams last week and are now fighting for the championship, here’s for you.
You know who you should start?
Alex Smith (QB – SF)
He had a terrible game last week, but he was decent before then, and nothing brings out the fantasy points in a quarterback than getting to go against the Lions.
The time has come. Week 16 is upon us and if you’re still reading our website, it means you’ve either got a secret crush on Torry Hallelujah or you’re about to play for a fantasy championship. Waivers are as important as ever this week as you look to put forth your best lineup. While you have the advantage of facing less competition for the best players in the pool, the fantasy Gods have given us only a few scraps to mess around with. We rarely offer waiver advice on this site because we’re so worried about revealing information to other owners, but we’re throwing you a bone with only one remaining.
Jerome Harrison (RB – CLE) – Owned in 10.3% of ESPN leagues
What the fuck happened here? Yeah that’s right, Harrison’s name now sits third on the list of most rushing yards in a single game. I bet you never expected that in the preseason or as late as five weeks ago when he was third string. Marble Ryan was right all along. It’s a shame he couldn’t account for Mangini’s incompetence of starting an inferior back in Jamal Leiws all season. Harrison should be picked up and started as a low end RB2 or flex with the Raiders on his schedule this week.
12.21.09 | Posted by Torry Hallelujah | No Comments
With Torry Hallelujah headed to the championship game and Marble Ryan stuck in last place, the boys talk about a “bizarre” Week 15 and take a run through Matthew Berry’s list of the top 25 players heading into next season.
Week 15 presents another tough-looking slate of games, and the only conclusion I can come to is that after a slow start, Vegas has gotten really good at this. Either that or I’ve just lost my mojo after another 1-1 performance last week.
With nothing jumping out at me this week, I’ve turned to desperate measures. Having had success earlier in the year picking a game I wasn’t really all that passionate about, tirelessly dissecting every aspect of it until I reached a conclusion, I’ve decided to try out a similar methodology for Week 15. This time, I turned to an online random number generator, picking 1 through 16 with the games numbered based on the order Mr. T sent me the spreads, to come up with my target. The random generator seemed appropriate, since so much in football, and in the universe in general, comes down to the Great Unknown. How did I finish last in the RexQB standings but 3rd in points? A handful of random events into which I had no insight and over which I had no control. Why are you bald? Do you think it’s because your mother’s father was bald? You’re wrong. Genetics are completely random. Your maternal grandfather could have a Garciaparra-esque mane that makes onlookers gasp, while you traipse about this world blinding your friends with sunlight reflections off your shiny white Duomo. This game I’m about to bet on will no doubt come down to a series of random events, each of which taken on its own is no more significant than a fly’s fart, but combined will determine the flow of millions of dollars. Anyway, the random number generator came up 2, which corresponds to Saturday’s affair between the Saints and the Cowboys. Let’s try to figure out which way the fly’s farts will blow.
As The Slow Eater is awash in grad school final exams, the always-opinionated Mr. T has graciously offered to step in to provide both the Week 15 starts and sits. To honor our absent friend, however, here’s a positive review of Avatar from New York Magazine.
You know who you should start?
Jason Campbell (QB – WAS)
As we mentioned yesterday, Campbell has been on fire recently. The Giants’ secondary couldn’t stop a UFL team these days, let alone a budding NFL offense.
So you’ve reached the fantasy football playoffs. Fortunately I have, too, in four of my seven leagues. Sadly Quinton Ganther prevented that from happening in the RexQB League, but I guess I can’t really complain about that.
I won the league two years ago with a RB trio of Darius Walker, Kolby Smith, and Kenny Watson. I know I constantly mention this (most importantly to annoy the hell out of Torry Hallelujah, who I beat in the finals that year), but the trend of no-name guys being difference-makers continues to be relevant. This year is no different with guys like Ganther and Arian Foster popping up in waiver wire columns all over the place. But which of these guys are legit and which should be picking up Flozell Adams’ dry cleaning? Let’s investigate.
12.15.09 | Posted by Torry Hallelujah | No Comments
Well, my friends, that about does it. The 2009 regular season is now in the books. Playoff seedings are set, the consolation bracket has been determined, and one unlucky owner has been saddled with the distinction of finishing in last (hello, Marble Ryan!) Just to bring you up to speed, the playoff seedings in the RexQB league are as follows:
Black Irish – Favre Dollar Footlongs*
Steve Stevens – T.O. Has B.O.
Torry Hallelujah/The Mysterious Mr. Tzatziki – The White Sauce**
The Slow Eater – The Chefs 2.1
*Team does not actually contain Brett Favre
**Team actually contains Brett Favre
If your league is anything like ours, there’ve been a lot of digital sour grapes passed around via email over the past day or two. So I thought I’d use this space to take a look at some of the most common excuses/complaints fantasy owners give for not making the playoffs.
12.14.09 | Posted by Torry Hallelujah | No Comments
Fresh from a screening of ESPN’s “The U,” Marble Ryan and Torry Hallelujah recap the playoff situation in the RexQB league and take a look at which stars lived up to their billing during fantasy crunchtime and which left their owners in a very vulnerable position.
Man, Tom Brady really sucks. I think it’s best to just spend as little time as possible on last week, with my Pats pick (and my prediction of a big game for Randy Moss) looking good early on, only to have the team fall apart in the end against what I consider to be a pretty mediocre Dolphins team. The one thing I can say is that it’s 100% Tom Brady’s fault, just like everything else that has gone wrong for me this football season. With the holidays approaching, I’m getting low on cash, and I need to start getting serious again as soon as possible. It’s another tough slate of games, with some of the lig’s elite teams appearing a little fragile of late and some of our bottom feeders looking tough to bet against. It’s truly an upside-down world when the Raiders are scoring at will against the Super Bowl champions. Nevertheless, I think there are two possible opportunities here: the Chiefs hosting the Bills in basically a pick ‘em game and the Packers -3.5 visiting Chicago.
Everyone who plays fantasy football thinks they know what they’re doing, but the honest truth is that more often than not, they have no idea. Every year plenty of people talk a big game, yet it’s the same handful of us who produce results. Before last season, our friend Marble Ryan claimed to know anything and everything about fantasy football, yet found himself in dead last in our RexQB league standings come December. I laugh at clowns like him, people more qualified to talk about the fat content of a Wendy’s Junior Bacon Cheeseburger than sleeper RBs.
Mr. T has decided to get me back from making him write both Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em columns last week by making me do the same for Week 16. Luckily, thanks to my team’s pathetic performance in the opening round of the playoffs last week, I now find myself with a lot more free time on my hands. Those of you lucky enough to not have been relying on Tom Brady and DeAngelo Williams last week and are now fighting for the championship, here’s for you.
